Stepping into singledom

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel my inner critic speak up when I was dumped. I found myself thinking harsh and unhelpful thoughts. Thoughts surrounding my worth and success now my partner had left. It was almost too easy to think this way when so many people are getting engaged, married, and moving in together. I thought, here I am again. The laughingstock for my friends and colleagues. The one that goes on miserable dates and reports back the awkward moments and let downs so they can relive their single days through me.

“They weren’t the one.”

“There are plenty more fish in the sea.”

Oddly enough, these common phrases weren’t often projected upon me as I entered my singledom. Feeling into the pain and hurt from my breakup has allowed me to be grateful and present for the single journey. Throughout the breakup I had cried and cried. You name the location and I had cried there. The car, the shower, in bed, whilst putting on my makeup for work, in the work toilets, in the work meeting offices, at bars, coffee shops. It reached a point when I thought, I will not shed another tear over this situation. I will no longer allow someone else to dictate how I feel in the here and now.

I had to allow certain aspects of my identity to die with the relationship. Once I’d accepted the girlfriend was no longer needed in the here and now, for another, I had all this extra emotional space. I had this animalistic, flirtatious, expansive and curious part of myself re-emerge. I’d observed she is more often here when I’ve been single and I wonder why she slowly disappeared in my recent relationship. With time and space from the breakup you may too, observe intriguing parts of yourself and when they like to be seen. This was just one of mine.

My intention entering my single life was to remain curious and open minded. Do I want a relationship? Yes, I’d love a deep, fulfilling and meaningful relationship with someone. The difference I feel now is that I do not feel attachment to when this connection lands. I have gone on a handful of dates and experienced intimacy since the breakup, and it has felt so empowering to connect fully and deeply with some and know our connection is fleeting. Or to consciously decide this isn’t an option I wish to pursue. Or to bathe in the pleasure of that connection within healthy boundaries, for as long as it feels authentic for both parties involved. No matter what path the connection takes, I know I am owning my decisions in every moment.

Navigating through dating and casual intimacy has highlighted something extremely healing for me. Acknowledging that love and sex are not synonymous. Re-learning that sex does not equal love and that I can enjoy pleasure without needing commitment and love is extremely powerful. Simultanously, I can acknowledge, when I am ready and willing to welcome authentic love back in, it has the power to amplify sex and pleasure experienced. The take away for me is re-learning to differentiate and discern sex and love from one another.

So here are 5 stages I witnessed myself move through since becoming single:

1. Moaning Myrtle

To everyone that witnessed this stage; thank you. You are the real deal. During this stage I did not food shop, cook or clean. This stage I was not eating in general. This stage was drinking wine in my bed alone. Crying. And crying some more. As much as I isolated myself, I also pushed myself to go out to social events to mentally distract myself.  My friends and family heard me re-tell my story each and every time I saw them. Wondering what else I could have done, or why this didn’t work. This stage also saw me flooding my ex’s phone with messages; as I wished and hoped he would return. My advice is, please throw away your phone.

2. Swipe city

I installed the dating apps way too early. I was needing instant distraction, and a dopamine hit. I’d just come out of a relationship where I was receiving feel good neurotransmitters regularly.  And now I didn’t want to have to work for my dopamine. A gym workout? Are you serious. Health routines? Absolutely not. I was going to meet my dopamine quota through scrolling dating apps. To be honest, most people repulsed me, and I wasn’t sure how to engage in conversation. I certainly didn’t meet anyone or go on dates during this stage. I knew this wasn’t a fantastic idea, but I did it anyway. Again, don’t follow in my footsteps. Go to gym, or dance.

3. New holiday, new me

After about 2 months of the above behaviour I realised I needed to take an extreme measure; a holiday to Bali. It was either that, or therapy. Honestly, I am 100% confident Bali was the right decision. It allowed an embodied healing experience over talk therapy. I set the intention on this holiday to cut emotional and energetic cords to my ex. I arranged myself private breathework sessions in my villa, attended yoga and meditation classes, ate light and colourful vibrant foods, swam each day, received massages most days, exposed my body to sunshine, connected to people I love. I felt my nervous system rebalancing which was what I wanted to achieve. All these things allowed me to stop idealising my ex with ease and focus on my needs in that moment. Realising my life wasn’t over and that this was a new opportunity was pivotal.

4. Meeting people…or a cheeky rebound

During the Bali holiday and even upon returning home I gave myself permission to go on dates and meet different people. I was starting to feel myself again. And maybe, just maybe someone might desire me. I was more curious if I had the capacity to be interested in, and desire someone else though. There was no focus on locking someone down, it was simply driven by connection, conversation and if anything, intimate evolved, that was a bonus. The more connections I made, the more abundant the dating scene became. This phase was crucial in proving to myself that I had the capacity to desire someone intimately again.

5. Rebalancing my nervous system

This was established in Bali however has continued when I returned home. After a breakup the nervous system may perceive some form of danger particularly when the loss is unexpected or unwanted. I had experienced intense emotions; sometimes compartmentalised, sometimes all together. Acknowledging the loss was what took me the longest. My body had not been taken care of during this time, so it was really important to establish routines and strategies that were going to allow my mind to know they are safe and loved.