WHEN BEING DUMPED IS THE BLESSING YOU NEEDED

Until recently I found myself in a committed relationship with someone I loved and assumed to be my ride or die. My forever person in life. How did I know this was love? Perhaps I measured it on achievements together such as almost a year together. Or that we had met each other’s family. Or that our friends liked our partner of choice. How did I know this was love? Perhaps I measured it by future plans such as the decision to move in together in the near future, or the discussions we had about having a child, or by the accommodation we had booked to Bali. I also measured it by how safe and comfortable I felt with them.

In ways I believe this was the only healthy relationship I had experienced. That in itself was special. That was something I didn’t want to lose. Perhaps more over than my perceived love, I knew how hard it had been to find safe and comfort with another human. That made it special.

What never dawned upon me was that feeling safe and comfortable was not going to be enough.

Sometimes people choose comfort because it’s safe. And this safety eliminates the need to feel into vulnerability. To feel into the darkness of each other. To feel into spaces and thoughts that may create unease in ourselves.

I did not see this relationship ending. One night I asked them if they still enjoyed spending time with me. I asked this because I’d been honest with myself. I found myself thinking about their behaviour over the past few months. I believe I’d squashed my intuition and told her to shut up. Because this was my person, and nothing could go wrong. Making this assumption made a fool of me. I’d noticed the lack of initiating any time spent together, or dates, I’d observed the change in behaviour around their phone, and the way they spoke about a certain person in their life. I’d noticed a potential fear to open up to me and connect. I’d noticed them not inviting me to special events in their life. And most of all, when I really needed them, they didn’t show up enough during one of the scariest moments in my life.

Asking this simple question opened up pandora’s box.

I asked the question to work on the relationship. But it led me to a different reality. The one where I am writing this now.

What I observed in myself throughout the breakup and months following was that I was incredibly scared and resistant to let go of him. I was fixated on the belief that he was more special, and better than anyone else I could possibly meet. I overlooked so many ways in which we were simply not compatible. For what reason? Potentially, to avoid being alone.

This is a strange thing for me to say as I’ve always felt comfortable and calm being single and alone. Its never felt lonely. With this being acknowledged, I believe I was scared to be alone after knowing that kind of life I could have. I had adored being his partner. I love love. I love being apart of someone’s life in that capacity. I love making someone feel special. At the end of the day, I know my fear stemmed from the juxtaposition and knowing I’d need to heal, explore and create a new me. That I’d have to actually immerse myself in life once again (a fucking blessing in itself).

I believe it is overly common for people to select people they feel comfortable around. This may be to protect themselves. Protect their sense of self, and at large their ego. If we do not need to question our existence, we can continue to live in ignorance and perceived bliss. I am not saying you should invest your time and energy into people who make you feel uncomfortable in a negative way but perhaps in a way where you have to be vulnerable, you have to be expansive, you need to learn, you need to surrender.

I was struggling to see the blessing in this breakup for a long time. I reached out to my ex way too many times. I projected so much onto him. I wanted answers. I wanted him to know how unfair this was. I wanted his love back. My mental health dipped to an all new low and I booked myself a spontaneous trip to Ubud, Bali.  A place I know well, and place ironically, I felt safe and comfortable in. perfect for allowing myself to surrender, let go and commit to vulnerability. Best of all, one of my gal pals was there to hold me and love me through this unknown time.

Bali taught me to lean into my triggers of perceived rejection and to be curious about it. I learned to surrender to the death of my relationship and all identities of myself I’d become attached to. Within this death I surrendered to being alone. It was incredibly pivotal I realise the fact that my ex did not want me and did not choose me.

I genuinely loved and cared for him a lot. I deeply feel that I was comfortable, and not vulnerable. I believe I wasn’t challenged. I believe I lost myself and my spark in the relationship. I believe I no longer embodied the essence of who I am meant to be. When he ended the relationship, I was shocked as it truly came out of nowhere. Little explanation and little compassion was given. I truly felt abandoned.  I questioned how deeply he could have loved me if he treated me in such a way. I know the depths to how I think and feel. And looking at it retrospectively I do not believe this human was on the same path as me. We were each doing a disservice to one another. Despite the rollercoaster of emotions, I endured for months post break up; the anger, betrayal, disgust, sadness, hate…his decision to end the relationship was the best thing he ever did for me.

Bali taught me to open my heart again. I went on dates with whoever I wanted for a week. One of my dates said something along the lines of expressing a positive to dating in Bali is everyone is absolutely gorgeous. These individuals are ambitious, creative, driven. My date had reflected on the dating scene and explained because there is so much choice and opportunity, it creates a culture of knowing there is another option around the corner if this doesn’t work out. I decided to take this information not in the sense that we should view someone we connect with as replaceable but to eliminate a scarcity mindset because of the abundance of diversity surrounding.

I was reminded once more; how delicious life can be. You don’t need a partner to meet these needs and desires for you. If it is love and pleasure you are seeking, it is all around. Ask yourself what gives you pleasure? What makes you feel loved? What gets you excited to love? What is the meaning of love? Get curious about these questions. Never assume and always be curious.

Every morning I reminded myself just because he didn’t choose me doesn’t make me any less of a person. It doesn’t make me unlovable or unworthy. I reminded myself how independent I was that I could pack up to go on a mini solo trip. I was never going to find closure in our breakup so I needed to create the end to this chapter myself.

When the stubborn mind gives up, and you can surrender to the body. Game over.

I am worth loving. I am worthy of someone’s time.

I am interesting and dynamic.

I show up for myself.

I walk the path in life that I choose.

In a breakup you may need to acknowledge feeling comfortable isn’t the most important thing. You need to step into and embrace the unknown and uncertainty. How beautiful life can be when you don’t know what is ahead. How exciting change and diversity can be.

Feeling into this essence of life again is just as exciting as falling in love in my humble opinion.