Cuckolding 101
Cuckolding seems to be a fantasy that is often thought of and at most, verbally discussed. Perhaps it is your go-to wank bank or dirty talk shared between lovers. Like most fantasies, there is a gap between the thought and actioning this thought. And that is okay! Not all fantasies need to come to life. I’ve found cuckolding tends to be a misunderstood desire and perhaps one that is more commonly wanted than we realise!
It can fall under the umbrella of ethical non-monogamy (ENM) and consensual non-monogamy (CNM). It is important to acknowledge this fantasy and sexual behaviour is distinctly different from polyamory and swinging.
In a traditional sense, this sexual concept is grounded in partner play; it starts with a couple which introduces a third party into their dynamic. Cuckolding is different to a threesome in the sense that not all parties have equal participation, and some level of power dynamics is involved. The cuckold is commonly present in the room and watches their partner have sex another person, known as the bull. At times, the cuckold (or the cuck) may not be present and prefers to receive texts, photos or be told about the experience after it has occurred. The partner having sex is often referred to as the hotwife.
By no means do any of the people involved in this scene need to identify as a cuckold, bull or hotwife. These labels tend to run narrow and don’t capture the wide experience of people who enjoy participating in these sexual behaviours, such as gay men.
There are a few distinct themes that present themselves in research on cuckolding.
BDSM
BDSM involves bondage and discipline (B&D), dominance and submission (D&S) and sadism and masochism (S&M). Within cuckolding the experience for the cuckold typically calls for them to lean into submission. This individual is relinquishing control to their partner and accept their role as observer. Sometimes the cuck enjoys being humiliated within this experience. For example, it is common for the partner having sex with the third party to humiliate the cuck around having a small penis size (irrelevant of actual fact). Traditionally it is the ‘hotwife’ or the partner having sex who leans into dominating their cuck through the act of having sex with another lover communicating the cuck is inadequate.
Sperm competition theory
For some time, cuckolding was viewed as a purely heterosexual phenomenon. Research proved this incorrect as many gay men engage in cuckolding. One explanation for why men and AMABs (assigned male at birth) separate to their sexuality is this; they may enjoy participating in a cuckold experience due to the sperm competition theory. Biologically, men evolved to release more sperm and engage in more vigorous thrusting during sex when another mate or perceived person of competition was present. These changes occurred as an attempt to displace the competition’s semen and to assert dominance.
Voyeurism
Voyeurism is an overlapping theme for those who enjoy cuckolding. Typically, voyuers tend to gain sexual pleasure from others desiring their partner and enjoy watching this pleasure occur. Despite a cuckold’s preference to feel inadequate, there is some overlap between these kinks.
Exploring the fear of cheating
Savage (2008) explored an interesting motivation behind cuckolding. Cuckolding provides the potential to allow the cuck to eroticise their fear of being not good enough for their partner, along with the fear of being cheated on. Bringing this fantasy to life may allow the cuck to transform their insecurities and fears into a sexually arousing experience. In a sense, this is a reclamation of such a common relationship fear.
Reclaiming being a slut
Majority of the research and existing lived experiences of cuckolding focus on the dynamic of male cuck and second partner as the dom. A lived experience not often explored within cuckolding is the complete reverse in which the cuck is in fact the dominant and the second partner engaging in sexual behaviours is the submissive. In this instance, the cuck may demand or select who their partner will have sex with. This scenario provides an opportunity, particularly for women and AFABs (assigned female at birth) to experience the common fantasy of being the ultimate slut.
Many couples that action the fantasy of cuckolding report it to enrich their sex lives and overall happiness of their relationship. Those that action cuckolding are likely to display agreeableness and thrill seeking as personality traits. In addition, having low avoidant or anxious attachments were found to be a predictor in positive relationship outcomes from engaging in cuckolding.
I want to acknowledge this sexual desire can really come in many variations such as cuckqueening and cuckolding in lesbian and queer relationship dynamics. All of which I would like to speak to in the future!