YOU KNOW I AIN’T CUM BOY IF YOU HAD TO ASK ME

If you follow me on Instagram, you may have seen my recent polls asking questions about orgasms, sex and masturbation. Perhaps you even voted in the poll. If you did, you’re the best.

I found the statistics really interesting and wanted to dive into them a little more in a blog post. Firstly, I want to preface that the majority of my audience is between the ages of 25 and 34 and with 64% women and 36% men. Unfortunately, Instagram doesn’t break these percentages down to be inclusive of non-binary persons so I do apologise in advance.

Over half of the engaged audience stated they do not always orgasm during sex. This is a really important aspect of sex to talk about in depth. Simply speaking, an orgasm can be classified as the peak sex, the most pleasurable moment of sex, however it is only a small portion of the experience. Not having and not wanting an orgasm is also very normal and okay as well. No orgasm during sex may be due to, but not limited to:

• Simply not wanting to have one. You may be content with connecting physically and the pleasure the rest of sex has to offer.

• You may have never experienced an orgasm, and really don’t know what works for you.

• Your partner may be unable to bring you to orgasm due to limited knowledge on the anatomy or limited knowledge around what you like and prefer

• Sex is not the same as masturbation. It is naturally going to be a new lesson and you and your partner will need to adapt.

• You may be too reliant on your own masturbation techniques.

• You may experience trauma and may feel unable to orgasm with a partner.

• Physical issues such as vaginismus can make the vaginal canal tight and make sex uncomfortable and painful.

What stood out to me in the statistics was out of those who said they don’t orgasm during sex, 75% were women.

46% of people agreed that it is often difficult to orgasm with a partner. I think this is only natural. Particularly during a one night stand or a new relationship. Getting to know someone’s body and preferences can take time. Again, 75% of these people were women.

This evidence I have collected in my polls is supported by previous research within sexuality and sexology. Research within this field has found heterosexual women have less orgasms during  sex with men compared to other groups of people (such as gay men, lesbian women, trans, bi, gender queer couples).

A common assumption for many people may be that women are unable to orgasm, are difficult to please or aren’t meant to have as many orgasms as men.

It is common within heterosexual sex that the man orgasms through penile-vaginal or penile-anus penetration. This is what the man likely classifies as normal sex, because this is how he experiences the most pleasure and has an orgasm.

Before you keep reading. I want to take a moment to appreciate all the men out there who do engage in sex that is not just penetrative. We see you! We thank you!

‘The Orgasm Gap’ was coined to capture the gap between the amount of women having orgasms during sex and the amount of men having orgasms during sex. The man’s view of ‘normal’ sex may offer little to no stimulation to the g-spot, clitoris or any of the other wonderful ways women like to to pleasure themselves. This limited view of what sex is, is causing this gap.

With this narrative of ‘normal’ sex, many women end up feeling embarrassed and ashamed their body doesn’t work how it “should”. Feeling a sense of shame they also cant orgasm during penetrative sex.

How can we change this? It really starts with knowledge on the anatomy, how we view sex and our roles within sex.

Although women can experience many different types of orgasms, the clitoris can be a great focal point. And is often forgotten. It was only in 2009 the medical field discovered the actual size of the clitoris. It is much large then the little button you see. That external part is only a small portion of its entirety with the majority of it being internal. The clitoris is much more sensitive than a penis and provide more intense orgasms too.

Considering knowledge is power. Use this knowledge to create powerful orgasms. I dare you.

How do you view sex?

It is common to view sex as the fucking component. The portion when the man inserts his penis into the vagina (or anus) until he reaches orgasm. Only 20% of women orgasm this way. Sex certainly should not be viewed as this act alone. Sex is inclusive of many different acts. By broadening our understanding on what is sex, we may decrease the orgasm gap.

Oral sex is sex.

Anal sex is sex.

Fingering is sex.

Foreplay is sex.

Using a sex toy is sex.

You will significantly increase you partners pleasure and capacity to reach an orgasm if you broaden your views on what sex is. Perhaps instead on focusing on penetrative penis-vagina sex try spending the majority of is stimulating part of her body and using a toy on her. Ultimately the best tool you have is verbal communication. Ask your partner what helps them to reach an orgasm and try to implement that.

And lastly, a quick look into the theory of sexual scripting. According to sexual scripts, our attitudes and behaviours in relation to sex are molded by socio-cultural upbringing and the expected social norms around sex. A very basic example using this theory may be women not asking for what she wants because it is viewed as too active and forward. Being too forward in sex may be associated with being ‘a slut’, something women are afraid of embracing. A traditional sexual role for women is to remain passive within the situation and to appease the man’s wants and wishes. This script also keep her ‘good girl’ imagine intact. This example is quite dated however I believe it still runs subconsciously even for many progressive women today.

Having conversations around sexual expectations may be uncomfortable during sex. Having an open conversation before or after sex may be a good place to start and allow each individual to express what they like, what they want their partner to do, and to agree orgasms for all engaged in sex have equal importance.

References

Staci Gusakovaa, S.,  Conleya, T., Piemontea, J., & Matsick, J. (2020). The role of women's orgasm goal pursuit in women's orgasm occurrence. Personality & Individual Differences.

Sloan, K. (2017). The Orgasm Gap: Why Equality in the Bedroom is as Important  as Equality in the Boardroom.